It’s been just over 50 days since I got that text saying I am leaving ,stamping on my heart which was already broken from the earlier discard just 2 weeks before ,then i was given the silent treatment followed by ill speak to you when I arrive at my new home .That is the moment I went no contact and I decided that he would not hear another word from me ,not then ,not when he arrives ,not ever !
It isn’t a struggle anymore to remain no contact I haven’t got any urge to contact him even though I have a direct line to him all I have to do is turn on my old phone and unblock him it’s that easy because this time he didn’t change his number and had no intention of changing his number like he has done many times ,his number isnt in my new phone and never will be .This to him was a plan a plan he had made up a long time ago all by himself without letting me know .It was to manipulate me Into going along with his plan for his life not my life or our life his life .It’s a game of cat an mouse and I’m the fucking mouse and this time the mouse isn’t playing along in fact the mouse isn’t playing ever again and I actually believe myself this time when I say it were as before I actually doubted myself and wasn’t ever fully convinced about the words that came out of my own mouth .
He has been in touch 3 times off 3 different accounts on Facebook and I have read them and ignored them ,completely ignored them and blocked them apart from I haven’t been able to block the last one because he has figured out that it’s easier to send me a message and then turn it off so they only way I can reply is to unblock his original account which is all part of the game that isn’t working .The last messages I read started off nice saying how I looked well and that he is glad (he isn’t glad at all ) because he has only ever wanted me to be happy (so how come he made my life a misery ) and can I please think about letting him see his kids (his kids not ours )
,after I ignored that message I got another one saying it was his business page so he would have to turn it off so I will have to unblock his own account . (wants me to think he’s doing well and has his own business ) ,when that failed and I still didn’t reply I then got another saying that he will have to take me to court even though he doesn’t want to do that to me a contact centre is better then no contact .The amount of things I have to say about that is a whole other post .
The messages are sat there in the box marked unread and will stay sitting in he box unread for a lifetime because even though I have a million things I want to say to him I’m saying absolutely nothing .
I don’t know what he will try next because his anger and fustratuon will be building because he isn’t used to this he isn’t used to me not giving in and answering and his usual tactics of posting things on his Facebook for my purpose only isn’t working either and that is the one thing that normally does hence the what a wonderful life he is having posts the photos of himself and the digs aimed at me alongside turning into a comedian .It will get worse and more nasty as time goes on and I still won’t answer but I would rather die than give that man the satisfaction of getting a response out of me .I won’t let him ever see or hear me hurt ,angry,upset ,missing him or anything else ever again .I will keep it all to myself apart from this blog of course so let’s hope he never finds it .
50 days no contact …..when will I start feeling better and when will I stop being angry ,stop hurting ,stop playing things over in my head ,stop thinking about him and stop missing him even though I don’t know what I miss .I will keep going no matter what …
The discard I dreaded …
I have been wanting to blog about the way in which I was cruelly discarded but I have been feeling to hurt to write about it but now is the time.
Its been 6 weeks since he left but he did return in that time only to leave again , so it wasn’t enough to do it once he had to do it twice within 2 weeks just to make sure I was completely broken .It was something i felt was going to happen , something I expected to happen , something he knew I was scared of , something I asked him over an over again ..”are u planning to leave me and the kids ” .the reply was always ” NO I could never do that to you , I promise I am staying “, followed by “if I was going to leave I would of left a long time ago .”
So just as I let my guard down , just as he started to change towards me in a good way ,he started being generous and contributing to his kids and just as I thought we had finally turned everything around and things were going better than ever , he left !
The day he left he spoke to me all day on the phone , told me how he was missing me and couldn’t wait to see me and the kids the next day , told me he was on a course and acted like everything was normal right up until the very minute he got on a coach .I got a text saying I have left and I won’t be coming back so get on with your life I don’t ever want to see you again or have anything to do with you .The pain that went through my body as I read it was like nothing I have ever felt before , I went to the school to collect our children an put the phone down oblivious to the fact he was getting onto a coach except he wasn’t on the coach until the next morning but I didn’t know that as he told me he was on a coach an couldn’t speak to me .I begged , I pleaded , I cried , screamed , begged some more , rang and rang him and he cut me off , nothing I could say or do would get him to speak to me or even acknowledge me until about 11 at nite when I got 1 text saying he would speak to me when he arrived at his mother’s which is hours away , I replied with one text and then snapped my sim card up so he couldn’t get in touch .I thought i was going to die that night which might sound extreme and over the top but i have never felt pain like it in my head and my heart , i could literally feel my heart breaking, i wanted to die that night to end the pain and hurt .The next day i went to his flat as i couldnt beleive he had really left i was in shock and hadnt slept all night not even shut my eyes once .I took his 2 little girls with me which i regretted because I really thought he was making it up and he would be there but he wasn’t and all of his stuff was in a alley at the side of his flat along with his girls toys , thrown out with the rubbish ! It broke my heart to see them shouting through his letterbox and our little girl saying ” he will only be at the shop , hes gone to get us some sweets “.Hearing that tore my insides apart .I went to see the landlord as it was only down the road and they told me he had been in the day before with his keys and got his bond back .So not only did he leave he had also known he was leaving for a full month as he had put his notice in to get his money back .That hurt even more to know that all the time he was seeing me ,all the time he was sat planning our future ,all the time i had spent with him with the kids and taking his daughter to see him all that time was a lie it was all fake , none of it was real because he knew he was living a lie he knew he was leaving me , that has ripped me apart , thinking back over it all for the last month I spent with him going back over every little thing in my head .It didn’t end there he didn’t change his number and a few days after he left he got in touch and I fell for it ,he said he wanted to come back and make it up to us and that he shouldn’t of left the way he did and he was setting off back and getting a house , I believed it .He did come back , he got the keys to a house , he took me and his kids to see it , even went as far as showing them there bedroom for when they came to stay .I put his electric on bought him some cleaning products spent over a week going backwards and forwards to the house .We went to park with the kids and I never realised that it would be the last time all over again just like dejavu the same last visit to the park the day before he left again !! I woke up to a text saying I have left I thought it was a sick joke , surely he wouldn’t do it again not after taking the kids to the house and then leaving the day he was due to move In .The night before he text me goodnight wife I love you can’t wait to see you tomorrow and then he was gone .I went no contact and I have stuck to it but he is trying to contact me again now but I will never feel pain like the first time he left 6 weeks ago and he will never get the chance to hurt me again …
We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.
Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/victim hangs on to the belief that this Narcissist loved them and it is very hard to let go of that. A normal person just can’t turn love OFF – but a Narcissist can turn it off just as easily as they turned it on because love is a tool they use to con people! They DON’T love because they don’t have the emotions or empathy to support it! So we all had an expiration date that was set in stone by the Narcissist when something newer came along.
Because there was LOVE involved with this person (the Narcissist,) we believe that they could have NEVER committed the atrocities that stand before us! Love is a VERY strong emotional…
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